HOH Magazine: July 2017 Issue

July. I'll begin by exclaiming that I've been in (and on) the water more times this summer than any summer for many a recent year. Partly for filming Detective P.I., partly for vacation, or at least vacation-adjacent, purposes. I've grown accustomed to swimming in lakes in the last seven years, even though I still dislike lakes for various reasons. Hey, let's make that the first topic: David critiques Minnesota's most popular natural resource! (Yeah that's right, get bent, iron!)

Lakes! Can't live with 'em, can't live on 'em if you make less than $150,000 a year!* Rich people write the rules, fuck the rest of us!

(If anyone is an expert in drudging treasure from lakes please leave a comment and I'll find out what lake this was and I'll pay you to find my sunglasses; I can't find a replacement, they were sold at Ragstock like two years ago...)

So a few weeks after shooting Detective P.I.'s fake trailer's beach scene, I went to some other lake to film nothing; it was simply a 4th of July party at a lake someone lived on, and I went with Nick whose mom knows them. That's neat. Everyone should have friends who have friends who are rich or whatever. You get to eat chocolate-covered pretzels all day, and other such.

Happy 4th of July!

The such including, but not limited to, buying more beach supplies for the excursion. A bit of splurgin'. Specifically, pool floaties. I bought three, but used one (and returned the other two to Target,) But oh boy, was one enough:

Pictured: the sunglasses I lost and miss dearly.

Yes, it's mine: I am now the mostly-proud owner of a giant inflatable balloon animal dog. Isn't it cool? It takes about a minute or two to fill with an air-hose, and hours to deflate! So, I have yet to use it a second time. Hopefully I can fit it back in its box.

As soon as I took it from the garage to the beach, a 7-year-old girl ran up and basically claimed it as her own. She named it "Wadog" [water+dog] because "he likes water." I thought she said "Waddle" at first, but what she actually said makes sense, too. In between her evidently scheduled appointments, I did get some good use out of it. It's perfect for floatin', plain and simple.

The other fun thing at this lake was filming Nick catching a fish, the entirety of which fit in one snap:

The fish got its escape and revenge in one fell flick-of-the-entire-body, clipping the hook in Nick's wrist (not very deep, mind) and ducking off the dock into the water. Amazing. I laughed mostly because it all came in at exactly 10 seconds, Snapchat's per-video limit.

So about those critiques: Lakes have fish, and while I'm more comfortable with them now, I'm still not keen on the idea that when you're walking around in the water, little unseen creatures could touch you at any moment. Not to mention all the seaweed, which while harmless, is still super gross. Also, I lost my sunglasses, which were very good to me, and I got impatient about paddling a float over to the kid who said he could dive and look for them, so I tossed him my goggles, which promptly sunk because he wasn't looking at them even though he had one job. So I lost my goggles as well. So I'm there with a rake dredging up tons of seaweed and not getting my items back. Fuck lakes. At least I could get replacement goggles of the exact make (though in black instead of blue, which is less fun.)

If you find a pair identical to this please FedEx them to me.

This is why I prefer the man-made Lake Elmo, which has neither the flora nor the fauna. Just sand and water. I also like the visibility (the primary reason to wear goggles is so you can see with them) provided underwater by pools. Sure, pools have lots of people, but they're more controlled than the glasses-eating, uncaring chaos of those children of the Ice Age glaciers, natural lakes. On July 17th, in the early evening (until it closed at 8) I visited the Como Public Pool. I don't know if I'd ever been there before, but I certainly had never been there since they remodeled. You see, public pools that have money have to compete with water parks, and add slides and zip-lines and shit. Como's got those, a lazy river, and a rocky climbing wall, in addition to the regular "pool" pool.

I didn't take any photos of the pool because I kept my phone in a locker, because I personally was in the water. So here's a great vanity plate that I parked next to in the parking lot.

The zip-line was neat: you hang on to a metal bar and then let go at your discretion. I went thrice: the first two time were right when we got to the pool, and the last was right before we left. Let me tell you, all the physical exertion I'd done in between those two times snuck up on me, because I could not hold onto that bar the last time. My body said "ENOUGH" and I dropped right into the water, immediately. This was hilarious considering that I'd just said "I'll hold on until the very end of the line this time." What wasn't funny was, after that, my forearms were sore for days. I didn't feel like I could grip the steering wheel driving home, and I didn't drive myself to work for a few days after. So last-minute zip-lining is not the way to end two hours at the pool.

Pokémon encountered/captured outside the pool afterwards.

The next lake I visited was in Wisconsin, on a reconsin missionsin. I had to retrieve important documents that belonged back in the cities while my friend who still happened to have them was out in "the middle of nowhere," officially recognized as comprising 88% of Wisconsin.

So Nick and I drive up there on July 11th, for about 6 hours; listening to fresh CD's I burnt for the trip: my own Baby Driver-inspired mixtape, composed of songs I already owned that fit into the film's vibes; and the soundtrack to the film Everybody Wants Some!! which is a glorious mix of music in its own right.

Some of its tracks are my new favorites, including Heart of Glass, and the incredible back-to-back combo of Romeo's Tune and Good Times Roll, an arrangement I esoterically (maybe pretentiously?) summarized to myself once as "a song looking forward while looking back, followed by a song looking back while looking forward." If that makes sense to you – and it mostly makes sense to me – you'll vibe with that invigorating transition. Sometimes a song follows a song so good, you know? That's the power of arrangement (I think that part is called arrangement) and it's what I love when I make my own mixtapes, like the 'Daby Driver' one I burned for the road trip.

Once at this cabin, and business [i.e. taking a small bag with paper in it and putting it in my bag] had been taken care of, we spent the rest of the day on the lake: I had brought Wadog, but we didn't have time to use him! We were too busy being pulled on a raft behind a speedboat, showing off our "look no hands!" skills in the form of playing air-guitar, air-drums, air-trombone, and more air-instruments of all stripes. Then we kayak'd over to a "resort," which in Wisconsin translates literally to "bar on the lake." Its mac & cheese bites were great, I will say. However I felt bad for this toddler whose dad was wearing a "Pissbaby Bitchboy trump-as-Air-Brushed-Action-Hero" t-shirt. It was mildly upsetting to see this baby who had the responsibility of raising a family.

Zing.

Anyway, we left around 7 o'clock and got back to the cities sometime after 10 o'clock. It was a good somewhat-serendipitous trip, and we got to see a lot of beautiful Wisconsin countryside, and a few small towns. And Hill, it wasn't difficult or confusing or dangerous or anything. You totally could've campaigned there. It's a nice-lookin' state. Just don't touch the wild parsnip on the side of the highways and you'll be fine! (Besides, you're not there to visit those kinds of plants.)

(Zing.)

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Speaking of driving a lot, when you practice driving a lot, you encounter other motorists who should practice driving a lot! zing. And not just little things: there are people who fuck up in a way that you can only communicate your disgust and pity with a middle finger.

And yet, flipping one makes you an asshole, too. So how do you convey "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed" visually? Well, the middle-finger ain't the only way anymore:

Give them the old thumbs-down! It's brilliant: instead of coming off as just as much an asshole as they, you're coming off as pretentious at worst! Which in the remit of driving translates roughly into "anally rule-adherent driver" and ain't no one can fault you for having that position. Yes, you're hoity-toity and elitist, but about the subject of driving according to the rules of the road and like, being safe. And only assholes like the one you just thumbs-downed is going to judge you poorly that way, whereas any given mom will think you're also a jerk for middle finger-blasting out your window. Get away with showing your disapproval at someone's sorry mistake or willful neglect! Thumbs down, today! (Or the next time you need to. Whenever.)

Speaking of dumbass mistakes, and speaking of David inventing things to use in the zeitgeist, (that means you can do it for free!) do you remember how as kids we'd all call stuff "gay" to complain about it? Well you can't do that anymore, and with good reason; It's homophobic. And, "gay" isn't an insult. Furthermore it's also got no dictionary relation to what we defined as "gay" that way back in the day. We'd use it for an obtuse amount of homework, or someone canceling plans on us last-minute, or [insert middle school memory here.]

In 8th or 9th grade, I believe I worked to identify the qualities in different, more appropriate words. Here's what I distilled: "Dad, what I mean is the thing is stupid and unfair." More syllables, too many to say in a quick, concise complaint, one could argue. But that's the intent behind our dumbass use of "gay." When I used it, I wanted a one-syllable, catchy word to bemoan the stupidity and unfairness (cosmic, or man-made) of the situation.

Fast-forward past my paltry-defense/decent-analysis of the word, to this year when I stumbled upon an appropriate, equally-one-syllabled replacement. Drumroll please...

"That's gop."

Gop. Might sound familiar, which is because it's literally an annunciation of the oft read-by-the-letter GOP**. Now, this is no mere "let's attribute as many negative connotations as are aptly applicable to the GOP" stunt, because that's already been done by society looking at what the GOP is. So it's inherently that. It's also a word that compromises on our juvenile, misguided urge to call shit 'gay' when shit's 'gop.' You sacrifice the 'ay' sound but retain the hard G, adding a poppin' 'op' to conclude your complaint about anything that's a nutri-blend of both stupidity and unfairness, especially from malice, real (the GOP) or perceived (a teacher assigning more homework.) Here are some examples:

• Your student loan payment for this month is "overdue" because it was "due" literally one day ago? Gop.
• A YouTube video is "not" "available" in "your" "country"?? That's pretty gop, dude, I feel for ya.
• People aren't evacuating a hurricane zone because they could be fired from their job if they do? That's gop as fuck. (Hey is there a political party to blame for something like this?)

With slang, you gotta start somewhere. And who knows! Maybe one day, Gop will lose its insulting edge, if the GOP stops being an embodiment and active proponent of institutionalized racism, sexism, transphobia, xenophobia, killing the poor, and, naturally, homophobia. Haha, just kidding. They'll cease to be a party and the idiomatic adjective will go on to have those connotations free from context and exist on its own, much like "feather in one's cap," "paint the town red," or "santorum."

I also made this gif this month, one of my favorite little acting moments/quotes from Dom Fera's sketch, Zach's "Schlieffen Plan". I've always wanted to watch this moment on a loop to learn to accurately choreograph my eyes, mouth, and shrug, all while saying the "...Debatable." Because the quote is as much the physicality as it is the dialogue. The delivery is its own art form:

via GIPHY

But mainly, what spurred me into action to "make the gif you want to see in the world" was a social media interaction where this particular "...Debatable" came to mind as a quote. I couldn't just type it, nor could I link to the sketch with a timecode. Those are inconsistent with some embeds; the need for this gif was there. And I filled it, by thunder. Just like I did with this other reaction gif from The Simpsons Hit & Run in a previous year:

Which I made because I LIKE IT!

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I'm Into This! — July 2017

Macalester College Theare Costume Sale

I suppose this constitutes a fashion segment, but not really: more costumes than clothes to wear day-to-day. I got word that Macalester College's Theatre department was having a huge sale of their costumes (and like, a few desks) from decades of productions. When my friend Hannah expressed interest, I decided to join and we went on July 29th around noon. I spent about sixty dollars cash.

I didn't buy every outfit you see in these few snapshots, but I did buy most and several more. (I think I spared the suit jacket and one of the two full suits.) The piece that looks like a clown's overcoat had a matching duplicate, and they were sold together. I will now write up some appropriate characters to go along with them. Yes, I even bought the dog/cow/caramel-chocolate ice cream/peanut butter-with-raisins patterned shirt.

The Big Sick

The Big Sick is a wonderful romantic comedy that tells the true story of two people I've followed on social media -- and in entertainment -- for years. So I wonder what it is like for audiences who are not familiar with Kumail Nanjiani (who has been in many recent movies as well as Silicon Valley on HBO; I was introduced*** to him from the early years of Dan Harmon's Harmontown podcast) or Emily V. Gordon (the person who told Dan Harmon he should start a podcast, but who has also done lots of behind-the-scenes producing and writing, including for The Carmichael Show, a wonderful tumblr, and this book I have yet to get around to because I don't read much.) I love them both, and I'm so psyched that they made a movie together about their relationship, as effectively the coolest 10th anniversary present of all time.

I thought it was neat that the film is set in the modern day but the story it's based on predates things like Uber. As someone who wants to adapt some of my own life (don't give me that look) into film, I thought it was interesting to see a real story from the past told as a non-period piece. I understand why, and I'm sure it's not the first time I've seen it in a movie; but being familiar with the story made that detail stick out to me. It's not a biopic: it's a romantic comedy, after all. Anyway, I loved the film: it's hilarious, it's touching, it's sad and charming and lovely. Please do check it out!

Baby Driver

Similar to the above, I've been following Edgar Wright's Baby Driver since the start of production – giving him a follow on Instagram around the time he started posting pictures from the set. Mostly close-ups of cars, extreme-close-ups of specific parts of cars, and close-ups of slates. When it finally hit wide release, I saw the film twice, and enjoyed it a lot. The second time was when it really endeared itself to me – I wanna see Baby Driver group costumes. I wanna do a Baby Driver group costume [where everyone dresses up as Baby and one guy dresses up as The Boss Baby and says he misread the group chat. Har har!] It's a bright, fast-paced film with a foot chase to rival even its car chases, filled with exciting, funny, colorful characters, chocked with charm and beating with heart. Watch it!

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I continued my quest to make a feature-length motion picture this month, one day [every couple months] at a time, with another go at filming the "club scene" of The DatelessWonders Movie on July 9th.

Some shots from last November's shoot I felt needed to be re-shot, but much new ground was covered. I will edit them together with the rest of it at...some...time. Then, I'll [hopefully] shoot [only] one more time to [probably for sure] finish that scene.

Obviously I can't do it alone, and everyone who has participated has been wonderful and patient. It's so hard being director, producer, script supervisor, assistant director, 2nd AD, DP, and actor who doesn't read the script ahead of time (but, I wrote it.) But I feel this powerful investment to the film that makes me stupidly assume I have to do most of those jobs entirely myself. That, and I don't have money like most post-college student films. Thankfully, I've gotten plenty of help with the camera, so when I'm in front of it, I'm secure in the knowledge of who's behind it.

And I have faith in who else is in front of it. I believe that a good director can get the performance they need out of any actor, regardless of talent. I believe that because I kind of have to believe that in order to pull off such endeavors. If there's a will, there's at least two good takes. And I'm grateful to every one of my friends who takes on a role. Even if they have doubt, I have 100% faith in them to give me something good, funny, or effective. And I am grateful to also have friends with acting experience: like Alex here, who in random frames from three different takes, gave me – the editor – a real good laugh as I saw them in juxtaposition while clicking through the files:

Alex offers the screen some great faces, as evident elsewhere in such films as Demon Gourd and the gonzo documentary DatelessWonders' New Year's Eve Bash.

Oh, and if these screenshots of raw footage don't look "poppin'" like "the club" or even "a club," it's because I'm a lazy hack cinematic wunderkind like Alejandro González Iñárritu directing The Revenant: all natural light, bay-bee! I'll just color-correct them in post**** and you'll buy it because it's not about lighting anyway. It's about characters, dancing in a club that's in a church on off-nights.

Oh, also my birthday was on July 15th. I went to two local theaters to triple-feature Baby Driver, The Big Sick, and Spider-Man: Homecoming, Baby and Spidey for the second times, and two friends joined me for the latter. It was fun. I probably missed out on a bunch of birthday promos, like parts in Pokémon games that happen on your birthday. That was somewhat disappointing but I made my choice. I should probably get an ice cream cake at some point though, that can be belated and delicious nonetheless.

Also belated and delicious? My wonderful friends took me to Rainforest Cafe for my first trip there, for my birthday. I'd never been, but always loved walking past it when it was on the first floor at the MOA, which was its flagship home until a few years ago. Sorry, Ragstock needed a fourth location.

Now it's on the third floor and "not as cool" according to word of mouth. But it was still pretty cool. High prices, sure, but this was a special occasion, and better than a "fancy" restaurant because THIS IS A MO'FREEKIN' JUNGLE SAFARI! GET READY FOR A GORILLA TO SHAKE A TREE OVER YOUR PLATE! GET READY FOR SOME AFRICAN ELEPHANTS TO GO NUTS OVER IN THE CORNER! LOOK, LOOK AT THE MOON! LOOK AT THE OPEN SKY! WHAT WAS THAT? A BIRD? A MONKEY? YEAH, BOTH! THEY GOT A BIG ROCK FACE OVER BY THE KITCHEN, AND YOU BEST BELIEVE THERE'S THUNDERSTORMS GOIN' OFF EVERY GOT DANG MINUTE TO CELEBRATE EVERY OTHER BIRTHDAY UP IN THIS PIECE, WHO ORDERED A VOLCANO-BROWNIE-FUDGE-ICE-CREAM-AND-COOL-WHIP-CAKE FOR DESSERT! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ABOUT, SO WE GOT ONE FOR ME TOO 'CAUSE IT'S THE LEAF-RUSTLIN', TIGER-HUSTLIN', DISH-BUSTLIN' RAINFOREST CAF-YOU-BETTER-BELIEVE-IT-E!!

Boy was it real neat!

And now for a quote:

Make the .gif you want to see in the world.

(Giphy should 'gift me' a percentage to use that as their slogan.)

— David "The Pants" Hoh 

*Rough guess/generalization bent toward critiquing the income imbalance we exist in under unchecked, compassionless capitalism.
**G: Nihilistic O: Death P: Cult
***Although I was really introduced to him in the background of this music video. I just didn't know it yet.
****Example: