Thursday, December 5, 2024

HOH Magazine: Correspondences from a New Cocoon (November 2024)

cover of HOH - The David Magazine. Photo is of my face on the body of John Trent from the beginning of John Carpenter's 'In The Mouth Of Madness' curled in a ball in a padded cell, with crosses drawn all over the walls, his scrubs, and his skin (and my face) with black crayon. I also have a snail climbing on my head and on my (Trent's) arm. Big headline: OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN! I needed another cocoon... ...because you needed another election with a treasonous nazi rapist on the ballot, for some fucking ungodly reason that will never be held accountable in utter defiance of what is right. Under the magazine's logo it says: Special Stream-of-Consciousness Edition. in the lower left corner, with a semi-transparent white tiger superimposed behind it, is a gold sawtooth circle saying: BONUS: TWO music analysis essays inside!! and a headline in the lower righthand corner reads: SOCIAL MEDIA BLACKOUT: WHAT XXV DAYS WITHOUT NEWS DOES TO A MF [MENTALLY-ILL FRIEND]. It also says “…and by God, some breakthroughs!!” in the lower left corner.

back behind the barricade, the barracuda bites at my brain, the buyout of buoyancy to balance a book or two, before beginning to face a bitter embrace. beneath the binary, do I boast or bury in a busy blush. do I block a bruise, do I better myself from break or bend. beckons, the cocoon. can I covertly circumvent context, or do I merely cover conviviality with continual cortex concern. come come, cozy yourself and connect with my disconnected, discombobulated, disorganized dig-down doozy of a dugout.

Friday, March 17, 2023

HOH Magazine: February/March 2023 Issue

HOH Magazine cover, featuring David not photoshopped onto Oprah’s body for a change — standing in front of a brick wall mural that says LOVE, wearing red pants and a plain caramel-colored sweater, posing with his hands out and down by his sides, semi-crouching a little. The first headline reads “Self-Esteem Engine: Due For Inspection!” Subtitle: “I need some regulation, just like all those train companies that keep derailing & causing ecological disasters Jesus Christ” Then there is a blue point-covered oval shaped seal that reads “Multiple Breakthroughs Inside!!” And a third area of text that reads: “Blue Buddies! David reprints his choice Letterboxd thoughts on the AVATAR movies! Page 2” which is just a little joke, the entire blog is on one page, technically.

First of all, I haven't shaved my beard yet. I am not exactly sure why. I know I said I would. It seems I have grown to like it this way. There's a significant charm to it now, and I know if I shave it off I won't get that back. Not for, you know, another thousand days. I'm not sure when I graduated from tolerance to affection, but I'm letting myself luxuriate in the big spindly bush before I take control of it. Which is itself a form of control.

Anyway, I wanted to jot down some personal thoughts, and hey that's what a blog is for. Why not just cut out the middle-man and publish it? This is supposed to be fun, not work. Let's see if I still vibe with that approach by the time I'm finished writing this, hah!

Saturday, September 24, 2022

HOH Magazine: Quarantine Day 900 Edition

The cover of this HOH Magazine edition is a selfie of David Hoh on the 900th day of his personal track of quarantine/pandemic/2020 in a gilded frame. What are we doing, people???? Big font reads “(900) Days of BUMMER” on the bottom of the image, above the frame border. Smaller text in the upper-right corner reads “A check-in issue about my current issues”

We're halfway there, folks! September 2nd, 2022, was the 900th day since I locked down for 6-8 weeks (42-56 days) and began counting the squares on the calendar (900 days.)

I've been on a sort of HOH Magazine haitus. I began, stalled, re-began, stalled, and re-began an issue of HOH Magazine for March of 2021, listing the names of the various humans whose lives were directly, literally threatened by a literal angry mob, and still decided to vote to not convict the man responsible for telling the angry mob where to go to find these very same people and inflict treasonous violence against them. That's weird!

Saturday, March 26, 2022

HOH Magazine: New Year 2022 Issue

Cover of HOH - The David Magazine. David's face -- wearing glasses and sporting an unkempt beard and whisked mustache -- is photoshopped onto Oprah's head -- hair tied up in a ponytail -- in this O Magazine parody for the January 2017 cover; standing arms wide against the backdrop of the Grand Canyon. Big font on either side of the hips reads LIVE BIG! Under that on the left side is "(Within the confines of your continuing quarantine...)" Up top a headline reads "How the CDC finally became dumber than me - PG. 100" and beneath that, another: "THE GRAND CANYON - Once the weather warms up going outside will feel good" and on a colored square in the lower right corner is "Two years and counting! Fuck all y'all, I'll coop up until YOU fix this mess"

Same year, new me! It's been two years to the Day (St. Patrick's that is) that I started officially quarantining. That's much, much more than eight weeks guys, come on, what's up?

So it's still 2020, and still 2016 as well. I don't make the rules of arrested development, I just serve my time. A lazy, knee-jerk inclination to alter that opening quip to say "same me" was escorted quickly out of my head, because I am still pushing against the ceilings of evermore chrysalis-tine chapels within me, trying slowly but surely to grow and change. Even if the world emphatically doesn't want me to. You will get your David's worth even if you have to choke on it.

Thursday, March 25, 2021

HOH Magazine: February 2021 Issue

HOH The David Magazine Cover - David's face on Oprah's body sits sideways on a director's chair that says HOH on the back, holding a cover of this very magazine, quite meta. The headlines: "WHAT THE HECK DO I KNOW ABOUT LOVE" - "Donald Trump: Yep! Still a loser! He should have lost in a landslide, but roughly 48% of Americans are brain-damaged, foolish, bigoted, idiot terrorists — more facts on page 69" - "Who's Hungry? Doctor Hannibal Lecter (NBC's 'Hannibal') shows us a few culinary secrets, revealing that his dishes are more than 'meats' the eye!" - Active Appreciation the craze that's not yet sweeping the nation!"

The Love Edition, whatever that means. Inside, this cold fish will dish out hot tips and outsider info on that crazy little thing called love. I'll help you understand what it is to 'be yourself' a little better. I even write a love letter to my 16-year-old self! Happy Reverse-Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

A Very Specific and In-Depth Critique of Pokémon Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl's Art Design

Promotional art for Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl, with the game's titles left and right under the legendary Pokémon Dialga and Palkia, respectively

[The following is the extended portion of the "I'm Into This - Pokémon Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl (...Kind Of)" segment published in the February 2021 issue of HOH Magazine. It's being published here in its unabridged entirety, not because it 'deserves to stand on its own' but because editor-in-chief David Hoh felt it was too long for the 'I'm Into This' segment.]

The announcement of remakes for the Generation IV games, Pokémon Diamond and Pokémon Pearl versions, were not unexpected. In fact, I'd been expecting them since the originals came to North America in 2007. We'd recently had Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen, remakes of the original Gen I games; so even being amazed at D/P's graphical improvements on the Nintendo DS, the most cutting-edge Pokémon games yet...I knew in the back of my mind "They're gonna remake these some day." I just didn't know when it would be, or what it would look like.

Until now.

Saturday, February 13, 2021

HOH Magazine: January 2021 Issue

David Hoh's face on Oprah's body, with Eastern Tiger Swallowtail wings. Headlines read: "New Year, Fuck You! Aggressively anticipate the year's sneaky bullshit!", "BIGGEST LOSER: DONALD TRUMP - Wow. What a loser he is. He lost. What a dumb piece of shit. Dumb loser, that guy.", and ""Caterpillar into butterfly, a blooming canvas colored brilliant colors caught the eye' - Foxy Shazam's Gonzo keeps on being personally relevant!"
Welcome back, bitches!

New Year, New Issue!

Welcome back! I'm your new Oprah, yet again! Snatching the mantle for smithing my opinions and thoughts into self-help (or just media recommendations) once more! Read on for the new and renewed HOH Magazine!!